


How could I ever ask for more?

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Gettingtogether, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, phanfic, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-31 12:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3978940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning: Mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts</p><p>Summary: He hurries back to their flat, as fast as he can. Somebody was going to jump and there was no way to be sure, but it may as well be his flatmate. Running home, he contemplates the possibility of losing it all in one night and wonders if his feelings have been bottled up inside for too long. Will he ever see his best friend again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How could I ever ask for more?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I don’t claim that any of this has ever happened and I OBVIOUSLY don’t own Dan and Phil (filthy thoughts all of a sudden!). This is purely for entertainment and I hope that Dan and Phil find it ironically funny that I ship them if they ever come across this story! ;P
> 
> A/N: First phanfiction! YAY for me! I just recently got into the phandom, so I’m sorry for any inaccuracies (especially the flat, I don’t know which floor it is or anything AAHH I’m so lame!) or if one of them sounds way off. Also I’m not british (I’m actually Brazilian and I learnt English as a foreign language) so I don’t have a good grasp on how American I may sound, sorry! I promise I tried! I’m also a bit rusty, it’s been two years since I wrote any fanfiction at all, so yeah *cringes* so many excuses! Hope you can enjoy it regardless! All feedback is appreciated! <3  
> A/N [2]: Originally posted on tumblr now I'm putting everything here as well :)

The wind rushes through my hair as I run, breathlessly holding on to blind hope. Rushing through the crowd, unable to tear my eyes away from my bulding, I run because I heard that someone was on a balcony and they said he was going to jump. And I keep on running because there was no way of telling who exactly that was and there was this nagging voice in my head repeating that it may as well be my balcony and I could come home to my flatmate sprawled on the ground below. The image sent a shiver down my spine and the rational part of my brain was all but gone as I hurried back home, weighted down by all the words unsaid, the ones I may now never be able to say.

Real fear thrumming all over me, I ran home. Steps faltering, I neared the chaotic scene. The person had obviously jumped already. There was a large group of people stood around the body, already covered up by a sheet, leaving no doubt whether they survived or not. The people wouldn’t allow me passage and I just wanted to scream for them to let me in, but I could hardly breathe after running for so long. A thousand different scenarios ran through my head in these agonizing moments. The terrifying thought that maybe I would find my flatmate laying there, cold on the ground, was too much to bear. Asking for passage, hurriedly, shakily, I tried to approach the body with caution, desperately wanting to know their identity.

“So young, what a tragedy!” An old lady whispered to her friend, clearly interested in the gossip.

“Did you see him jump? Man, I don’t know what could lead someone to just give up like that!” A male voice exclaimed, sadly.

Frozen in place, I forgot how to breathe. Under that piece of sheet could be my whole world. He could be gone forever and I was just standing there, unable to ask, not daring to know. Wouldn’t it be better to cease to exist right there? Surely I was just making all this up and he was up there in our home, surfing the internet as usual, not even realizing what just happened...? The truth was I couldn’t be sure, not the way things have been recently.

People were rushing by and the group around me was buzzing with activity: some calling the police, others gossiping about the big event. The way people just clung to tragedy with such an awe has never really gotten through to me. I looked around, lost, forgetting what to do and how to do it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know anything anymore, my instinct was to run away and not have to face even the possibility of losing him.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” An older lady asked, approaching “You don’t look so well… Do you want to sit down? I know it’s really shocking to see a suicide like that out in the open”

“No, no, I need to know…” I paused, taking a shaky breath to try and regain my composure “I-I…I live here and I…” Tears started to well up in my eyes “Where did he jump from? Who is it?”

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––---------------------------------------------------------------------––––––––––––––––––

The door to the flat opened, the key shaking wildly in my trembling hands. I barged in, closing the door hastily and trying to hold back the tears threatening to fall. Walking up to his room, as fast as possible, I felt my heart hammering wildly in my chest. I stopped there to take it all in, the familiar place where so many videos have been recorded. So many memories made in this space, moments which could possibly be gone in the blink of an eye. The thought of just losing him like that knocked the air out of my lungs.

I was never one to question life and its purposes. I didn’t spend as much time pondering on the big whys and wondering how it would be like to just lose it all in a random cold night. I kept going by being optimistic not because I was unaware, but because I wanted to believe it all made sense and things would work out in the end. It may have been the first time I ever wondered about the big what-ifs and it made me rethink many of the choices made a long time ago. It made me consider all that has been left unsaid all along, bottled up inside for so long that it seemed long forgotten, but clearly was anything but.

Walking up to the lounge, feeling the tears threatening to fall, I finally found him. The brown-eyed boy looked up from his computer, instantly worried about the look in my eyes, a confused expression scrunching up his features.

“Phil, did something happen?” He put the laptop aside and got up, looking me in the eyes with a concern so deep that I was left speechless, just staring into the depth of what I could have lost tonight.

I didn’t really know what to say. It would sound stupid to admit the size of the fear I felt when I heard about the suicide. I could still feel the ache deep in my heart with the thought of losing him. Unable to speak, I closed the gap between us with a big step, just hugging him tightly, holding on to him like I was drowning. He stayed still, probably too surprised to react for a second. Then he hugged me back, tightly, his hand drawing gentle circles on my back.

“Hey, Phil, you’re scaring me here.” He half joked, as I felt the tears starting to fall on his shoulder, unable to restrain my relief in seeing him again “Come here, let’s sit down”

He practically dragged me to the sofa and I could feel his worried gaze staring me down, unaware of the panic I’ve been through tonight. We sat down and I kept holding on to him, too scared to let go yet. He seemed uncomfortable, as if he didn’t know what to say or do about it all.

I managed to calm down after a while, letting go of him and cleaning the tear tracks from my eyes. Dan just looked at me, trying to give me space to sort myself out, but not leaving me. He knew I needed him right now without any words from me and I was grateful by how well he knew me.

“What the fuck happened?” His patience ran out a little while later. I couldn’t expect any less.

“It’s nothing” I said, weakly “You wouldn’t understand”

“No, no, no! Are you actually shitting me, Phil? No! You barged in here, scared me to death coming in in that state and now you refuse to tell me what it’s about?” He really did seem scared by my behavior, that was true, “ Oh, no, you don’t get to do this! I’m the messed up one here, Phil. You’re supposed to be the sane one ” I can feel the sarcasm, his defense mechanism, pulling through right there in the end.

“You’re not messed up! Don’t you say that!” I complained, a bit to hastily. He was shocked into silence, his eyes a bit scared by my over reaction. I took a deep breath, trying again “I hate it when you put yourself down like that! It’s just not right that you have these thoughts and… What if something happened? I would…”

“HEY, HEY! Woah, Phil, calm down!” He interrupted me, sounding a bit offended and defensive, like he always does whenever people point out his bad habits “Nothing has happened, ok? I’m just joking around here, I wasn’t even thinking anything like that and I still don’t understand why you’re acting like this when I CLEARLY…”

“Someone jumped from our building,” I blurted out, talking over him, loudly. I continued, closing my hands into fists, “and for a moment there I thought it could be you! I was really terrified that I would come home and find an empty flat and you’d be outside, just…” My voice gave out after wobbling unsteadily for the last sentence.

I wouldn’t dare to raise my head and actually face Dan. I was too scared of his reaction, because what I said sounded faintly like an accusation, as though I were demanding for him to stay with me. I didn’t know how he would react to that or to the emotion that flooded through much more than I realized it would. I couldn’t look at his face and see if he noticed how weird it sounded. It scared me how the thought just hit me like a natural reflex: He was my Dan in every way and the sheer strength of my feelings hit me full force in ways that not even I had realized before this moment.

“Phil” He said, his tone of voice endearing. He didn’t seem to notice how strongly I felt about it, since he continued “Come on, what are the odds I’m actually going to jump out of the window? There are far more efficient ways to die without risking being paralyzed for the rest of my miserable life!” He seemed to be joking, but I didn’t like this joke at all.

“What are you saying?” I said, still too afraid to face him, but feeling anger bubbling up in my chest “You’d rather choose a more efficient way to off yourself?”

“No!” He half laughed “I’m just joking around, man! I wouldn't…”

“You see, I DON’T KNOW THAT!” I looked up, anger burning in my blue eyes “How can I know that? You’re always having these very depressive thoughts and saying horrible things and you just look so unhappy sometimes, Dan! I don’t usually realize this when we are just minding our own lives, but when I was told that someone jumped out of our building I just couldn’t shake this feeling that if it wasn’t you, it could have been!” Emotion shook my voice again and I stared right into his startled brown eyes “Don’t you see how hard it is? Not knowing if you might have killed yourself while I was out? I can’t bear to the thought of just losing you like that, Dan, I just can’t!”

“Why do you care so much?” He seemed actually surprised by the intensity of my emotions now, seeing that he couldn’t make this into any kind of joke “It’s not like it wouldn’t affect you of course, but…”

“DAN!” I yelled, interrupting him, grabbing both of his arms and resisting the urge to shake some sense into him. “NO! Are you that dense? Can’t you see how much the idea of you gone hurts me? Why can’t you see how much I care about you? Why do you refuse to accept the way I feel right now and the way I felt outside when I thought it was you who jumped?”

“BECAUSE IT’S JUST TOO MUCH, OKAY?” He replied, angrily, shouting it as if it were an accusation “It’s too fucking much and I don’t understand why anyone would care that much about me when I surely don’t!” He stopped, seemingly shocked by his own words “No, shit, that’s not what I mean!” He put his head in his hands, breathing fast “Phil, I just… I understand.” He took a deep breath, trying to control his temper “I’m sorry, ok? Can we please stop arguing and leave it as it is?”

“No, we can’t, Dan.” I said, voice small, my hands finding purchase in the sleeves of his jumper “Look at me, please.” He did, his shiny eyes filled with unshed tears as he struggled to stop the emotion from showing “Dan, I have never been more scared in my entire life. You know I’m the optimist here and I never consider these situations. It’s easier, you know? But tonight… I just started thinking and I refuse to imagine my life without you. So please, can you honestly tell me that you don’t consider this either?”

“What? Suicide?” I nodded, my heart skipping a beat at the way the word seemed to cut through both of us “Of course not, Phil! It hasn’t crossed my mind in a long time. I can’t tell you I never thought about it, but recently I… I’m just fine, okay? You worry too much sometimes” He chuckled in the end, but it didn’t sound sincere.

“Will you promise me you won’t do it?” I didn’t let him change the subject.

“Promise…? Phil, come on, this is going too far now. This is not something you have to worry about” He dismissed, averting his gaze.

“DAN! You’re avoiding what I just said. Why is that?” I insisted, taking my chance and putting my hand over his on the couch between us. His first instinct seemed to be to pull away, but I felt him still his hand in the last second, maybe because he needed it as much as I did.

“No reason!” He took a deep breath, holding my gaze steady this time “Why do you need this so much, though? I still don’t understand”

“Why can’t you promise me this?” I said, tears threatening to fall, turning the conversation around again before he could deflect the question “It’s so simple and you won’t do it! Why is that Dan?”

“It’s really difficult for me, ok? Because if one day it happens what am I supposed to do? How can I go through with anything knowing that you are so disappointed on me?” He exploded, getting up and turning his back to me. I was sure he was starting to cry, as I saw his shoulders shake slightly.

“Oh, Dan!” I said, a sad smile on my face “You could never disappoint me! You should know that already. I wish you’d promise not to hurt me this way” I plead, touching his shoulder in an attempt to turn him around “You don’t have to hide from me. Don’t be ashamed”

“I’m not.” He answered, voice trembling but refusing stubbornly to turn around. I went around him and hugged him firmly, feeling his tears soaking into my shirt.

“I didn’t mean to make you sad, I’m sorry.” I apologized, holding him tightly “I was just shocked because it felt like my whole world imploded when I pictured losing you” My voice was soft “and it made me realize how important you are to me all of a sudden. Then I got a bit carried away, I’m sorry if I’m pushing you too far…”

“It’s okay.” He answered, letting go of me and cleaning up the tear tracks “I just never thought about you, you know. Whenever I’m sad I’m just… I don’t think about how I come across to you. I had no idea you felt so strongly about this and I’m just a bit shocked”

He looked at me, eyes getting red from crying. I stared at him, lost in the thoughts running through my mind. Suddenly it seemed like the pools of brown inside his eyes were pulling me in, drowning me. I saw the sadness and the pain, but I also saw how much it meant that I cared. Suddenly it all made sense. I still don’t know how I got closer, but when I realized what I was doing, we were so close that I could feel his breath touching my skin.

“Dan, I think I just realized something…”

I didn’t finish the sentence, closing the remaining gap between our lips, kissing him softly. That kiss conveyed all the feelings left unsaid, all the things I was so afraid I’d lose when that man jumped. Dan melted into the kiss, as if we were just waiting for this perfect moment, when everything would come together. His hands circled my waist as he leaned more into me, passionately accepting the love I offered him, hearts beating so fast that I felt like I could fly.

When we pulled away for air, his eyes were shining with a different light. I supposed mine probably were too. I smiled happily at him, excited about finally being able to show the feelings I had been repressing without even noticing. He smiled back, showing his dimple, arms still around me pressing a bit tighter, breathing fast.

“Gosh, we’re such a mess, aren’t we?” He laughed, resting his head on my shoulder for a second and then pulling back.

Looking at his perfect face, I couldn’t remember how yesterday I hadn’t yet realized my feelings for him. How did I not notice how perfect this would be? The warm feeling was gone a minute later, as panic crossed my mind. I stared at him, startled, suddenly unsure about what just happened between us. Dan was very fragile after the conversation we just had and he was so much younger… Maybe I was taking advantage of him by doing this?

“Dan, I… Are you sure this is what you want? I didn’t really think this through and maybe you’d rather just be friends… I’d understand…” I blurted out, feeling myself blush. I was so nervous because it wasn’t planned at all and I wasn’t usually so forward, but the intensity of my feelings just made me so careless for a second there and I couldn’t quite grasp that.

“Shut up, you idiot!” He laughed his adorable laugh, the one that always warmed my heart right up “What, you think I kissed you back ironically, huh? What about this?”

He crashed his lips into mine again, hungrily this time. I moaned lowly, resisting the urge to push him against a wall, passionately kissing back. Suddenly he just stopped, giggling, pulling away from me.

“Now you believe me?”

“Y-Yeah…” I replied, staring dumbly at him, still a bit dizzy because of the intensity of his kiss. I had a hard time believing that it really happened, when I had barely figured out the depth of my own feelings for him.

“I’m very happy about it, actually” He said, smiling again “I have been not-so-secretly pining for you for a long time!” He laughed “I mean, all the phan shippers noticed it and I didn’t know how to hide it anymore! I just thought you would never feel the same, because I’m just Dan, you know?”

“I do feel the same” I answered, simply, squeezing his hand “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. They way they see you.” I stroked his cheek, looking deep into his eyes “I still need you to promise it to me.”

“Phil…” He answered, locking his eyes into mine, brown eyes shining with new-found determination “I promise I’m not going to try to kill myself. I promise you’ll never come home to an empty flat if I have a say about it. You will have to put up with me for a long time yet”

“Good!” I replied, kissing him again. I was still amazed by the fact that I could just do that anytime I wanted. He seemed happy about it as well, kissing me back eagerly, showing me how long he’s waited for this.

And in that moment, though things may still not be perfect, we found the best possible outcome of a loss. I knew that someone out there lost their Dan and it was soul-crushing to think about. But mine was standing right here: alive, warm, pressing against my body and kissing me back. And really, how could I ever ask for more?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for reading it! Let me know what you think about it! :)


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